Posts

Invisible Connection

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(Time Period: Throughout Mom’s time in the care home.)

A Lesson in Mindfulness

When it is no longer possible to communicate with our loved ones the way we used to, how does connection occur? It was natural to wonder about Mom’s ability to connect with us. Was she understanding what we were saying? Was she feeling comforted by our presence? The answers to these questions were not always apparent. This led me to realize there was something else to explore: my own ability to connect with her. Read more

When Words Are Few

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(Time Period: Throughout Mom’s time in the care home.)

Conversations & Comprehension

In the first several months of memory care, Mom still conversed fairly well. Over time she spoke less, though she enjoyed listening to conversations. Paragraphs of speech were reduced to single sentences, often punctuated with a smile, laugh, or nodding of her head to demonstrate she was tracking with us. Read more

Shoes Tell a Story (Part 1)

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Sensible Shoes

Mom started using a walker during the first year in Arizona. The community where she and Dad lived had an expansive campus and it became too much to walk unassisted outside of their apartment. By the end of the day it was evident that the signal from Mom’s brain to her legs was misfiring. This resulted in an awkward turnout of her legs with bent knees, making it impossible to continue walking or even stand up straight. Likely both brain and legs were exhausted by then. Read more

Puppies

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The Errand

I couldn’t control much about Mom’s condition, so when there was something I could do, I really got into the assignment. My sister Lori, who works with the elderly, told me that memory care facilities often have therapeutic stuffed animals or baby dolls available for their residents. It’s not just about having an object to cuddle or to occupy their hands. The dolls and stuffed toys are considered “therapeutic” because they are a way to soothe, reduce agitation, and bring comfort. While medication is often needed in the treatment of dementia, there are non-drug approaches such as these that can be integrated as well. Read more

Each Name

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(Time Period: Shortly after moving Mom into the care home.)

At any one time in my mother’s group home, there were ten elderly residents. During certain periods, a man or two would be part of the mix, but more often the residents were women. Some lived there for several years and others just a few months. Most had a degree of dementia. All were limited physically.

I remember each of their names: Colleen, Edith, Pearl, Gail, Sue, Ann, Trudy, Marge, Maxine, Joanna, Bill, Irv, Janice, and others. Read more

What Do They Remember?

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(Time Period: About two years after Mom moved into memory care.)

Avoiding the Word

When Mom first showed signs of a failing memory, I found myself using a certain word and asking the same thing repeatedly. That single-worded question was this: “Remember?”

That’s your niece, Gloria, your sister Rose’s daughter. Remember?

That’s when you and Dad took a trip to Hawaii. Remember? Read more

Does She Know You?

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The Question Everyone Asked

“Does she know you?” That’s the question everyone asked and I understand why. There is much anguish in anticipating that someone you love deeply and know intimately might not respond with that familiar smile. Read more

Grading Visits

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Good or Bad

“She smiled and acknowledged us. It was a good visit.” My friend Ira described a 15-minute interaction with his mother who was confined in a memory care facility during the height of the pandemic. With plexiglass restrictions and no-touch rules, it was especially heartbreaking. That Sunday, receiving a smile from his mother made it a fraction more bearable. Read more

The Joy of Connection (Part 2)

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In Part 1, I relayed two stories about strangers who offered the joy of connection during periods of difficulty and crisis. Today’s post is about opportunities for connection that exist in everyday interactions.

You’re Going to Need a New Chicken

I was at Joseph’s, one of our favorite neighborhood markets and in a rush. On this Sunday morning during the holiday season, the market was crowded and I hoped to zip in and out quickly. After grabbing a head of lettuce, tomatoes and some flat-leaf parsley, I beelined it to the rotisserie chickens. Once at the checkout line, I reached down into my grocery cart and single-handedly pulled out one of the two containers. Big mistake. Read more

The Joy of Connection (Part 1)

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Strangers Who Understand

(Time Period: Within the last ten months of my mother’s life, under hospice care.)

Dinner was about to be served and it was time to wrap up our visit. As Jess and I were on our way out, we turned to see Gabriel wheeling Mom to the head of the table. Rather than transfer her to the dining room chairs, it was better – safer and less of a fall risk – to have her stay in the wheelchair now. Today Mom was smiling, her appetite was good and she had the energy to hold herself up for a meal with the group. It was more common, however, to find her leaning to one side, no matter how much the caregivers repositioned her or propped her up with pillows. That Mom might slide out of the chair was a constant concern.

Jess unlocked the car door and suggested we head directly to a store to find a makeshift seatbelt. We drove to REI (the outdoor sports equipment store) in search of a solution. It didn’t dawn on us that these wheelchair accessories are readily available online or at medical supply stores. Read more