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A Baked Potato Conversation

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(Time Period: The first few weeks after Mom moved into memory care.)

Conversation # 1: It Made Sense To Me

Six weeks after my father died, we moved my mother to a smaller assisted living community so that she could receive more personalized care. We were relieved to have found what appeared to be the perfect setting for Mom, yet we were anxious about her transition. Eager to relay everything there was to know about Grace to her caregivers, we typed a brief summary of her background and personality traits, as well as more detailed notes that covered her daily routines and preferences. The bullet points ranged from Mom’s bedtime habits to her favorite TV programs and from her clothes and most comfortable outfits to the big topic: Food. Read more

What Do They Remember?

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(Time Period: About two years after Mom moved into memory care.)

Avoiding the Word

When Mom first showed signs of a failing memory, I found myself using a certain word and asking the same thing repeatedly. That single-worded question was this: “Remember?”

That’s your niece, Gloria, your sister Rose’s daughter. Remember?

That’s when you and Dad took a trip to Hawaii. Remember? Read more

Does She Know You?

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The Question Everyone Asked

“Does she know you?” That’s the question everyone asked and I understand why. There is much anguish in anticipating that someone you love deeply and know intimately might not respond with that familiar smile. Read more

Grading Visits

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Good or Bad

“She smiled and acknowledged us. It was a good visit.” My friend Ira described a 15-minute interaction with his mother who was confined in a memory care facility during the height of the pandemic. With plexiglass restrictions and no-touch rules, it was especially heartbreaking. That Sunday, receiving a smile from his mother made it a fraction more bearable. Read more

The Joy of Connection (Part 2)

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In Part 1, I relayed two stories about strangers who offered the joy of connection during periods of difficulty and crisis. Today’s post is about opportunities for connection that exist in everyday interactions.

You’re Going to Need a New Chicken

I was at Joseph’s, one of our favorite neighborhood markets and in a rush. On this Sunday morning during the holiday season, the market was crowded and I hoped to zip in and out quickly. After grabbing a head of lettuce, tomatoes and some flat-leaf parsley, I beelined it to the rotisserie chickens. Once at the checkout line, I reached down into my grocery cart and single-handedly pulled out one of the two containers. Big mistake. Read more

The Joy of Connection (Part 1)

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Strangers Who Understand

(Time Period: Within the last ten months of my mother’s life, under hospice care.)

Dinner was about to be served and it was time to wrap up our visit. As Jess and I were on our way out, we turned to see Gabriel wheeling Mom to the head of the table. Rather than transfer her to the dining room chairs, it was better – safer and less of a fall risk – to have her stay in the wheelchair now. Today Mom was smiling, her appetite was good and she had the energy to hold herself up for a meal with the group. It was more common, however, to find her leaning to one side, no matter how much the caregivers repositioned her or propped her up with pillows. That Mom might slide out of the chair was a constant concern.

Jess unlocked the car door and suggested we head directly to a store to find a makeshift seatbelt. We drove to REI (the outdoor sports equipment store) in search of a solution. It didn’t dawn on us that these wheelchair accessories are readily available online or at medical supply stores. Read more

Change of Seats

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During the first few weeks of visiting Mom in the group home, I noticed how each of the residents was at a different stage, in terms of the progression of dementia. Along the U-shape of reclining chairs in the family room, Arlene and Elizabeth were the two ladies who sat across from Mom and Shirley. They spoke very few words and needed assistance getting up and down. Caregivers refer to this as transferring someone, such as from chair, to wheelchair, to dining room table. If two caregivers are needed, that means it’s a two-person transfer. Read more