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Puppies

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The Errand

I couldn’t control much about Mom’s condition, so when there was something I could do, I really got into the assignment. My sister Lori, who works with the elderly, told me that memory care facilities often have therapeutic stuffed animals or baby dolls available for their residents. It’s not just about having an object to cuddle or to occupy their hands. The dolls and stuffed toys are considered “therapeutic” because they are a way to soothe, reduce agitation, and bring comfort. While medication is often needed in the treatment of dementia, there are non-drug approaches such as these that can be integrated as well. Read more

Each Name

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(Time Period: Shortly after moving Mom into the care home.)

At any one time in my mother’s group home, there were ten elderly residents. During certain periods, a man or two would be part of the mix, but more often the residents were women. Some lived there for several years and others just a few months. Most had a degree of dementia. All were limited physically.

I remember each of their names: Colleen, Edith, Pearl, Gail, Sue, Ann, Trudy, Marge, Maxine, Joanna, Bill, Irv, Janice, and others. Read more

What Do They Remember?

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(Time Period: About two years after Mom moved into memory care.)

Avoiding the Word

When Mom first showed signs of a failing memory, I found myself using a certain word and asking the same thing repeatedly. That single-worded question was this: “Remember?”

That’s your niece, Gloria, your sister Rose’s daughter. Remember?

That’s when you and Dad took a trip to Hawaii. Remember? Read more

Does She Know You?

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The Question Everyone Asked

“Does she know you?” That’s the question everyone asked and I understand why. There is much anguish in anticipating that someone you love deeply and know intimately might not respond with that familiar smile. Read more

Grading Visits

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Good or Bad

“She smiled and acknowledged us. It was a good visit.” My friend Ira described a 15-minute interaction with his mother who was confined in a memory care facility during the height of the pandemic. With plexiglass restrictions and no-touch rules, it was especially heartbreaking. That Sunday, receiving a smile from his mother made it a fraction more bearable. Read more

The Joy of Connection (Part 2)

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In Part 1, I relayed two stories about strangers who offered the joy of connection during periods of difficulty and crisis. Today’s post is about opportunities for connection that exist in everyday interactions.

You’re Going to Need a New Chicken

I was at Joseph’s, one of our favorite neighborhood markets and in a rush. On this Sunday morning during the holiday season, the market was crowded and I hoped to zip in and out quickly. After grabbing a head of lettuce, tomatoes and some flat-leaf parsley, I beelined it to the rotisserie chickens. Once at the checkout line, I reached down into my grocery cart and single-handedly pulled out one of the two containers. Big mistake. Read more

The Joy of Connection (Part 1)

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Strangers Who Understand

(Time Period: Within the last ten months of my mother’s life, under hospice care.)

Dinner was about to be served and it was time to wrap up our visit. As Jess and I were on our way out, we turned to see Gabriel wheeling Mom to the head of the table. Rather than transfer her to the dining room chairs, it was better – safer and less of a fall risk – to have her stay in the wheelchair now. Today Mom was smiling, her appetite was good and she had the energy to hold herself up for a meal with the group. It was more common, however, to find her leaning to one side, no matter how much the caregivers repositioned her or propped her up with pillows. That Mom might slide out of the chair was a constant concern.

Jess unlocked the car door and suggested we head directly to a store to find a makeshift seatbelt. We drove to REI (the outdoor sports equipment store) in search of a solution. It didn’t dawn on us that these wheelchair accessories are readily available online or at medical supply stores. Read more

Change of Seats

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During the first few weeks of visiting Mom in the group home, I noticed how each of the residents was at a different stage, in terms of the progression of dementia. Along the U-shape of reclining chairs in the family room, Arlene and Elizabeth were the two ladies who sat across from Mom and Shirley. They spoke very few words and needed assistance getting up and down. Caregivers refer to this as transferring someone, such as from chair, to wheelchair, to dining room table. If two caregivers are needed, that means it’s a two-person transfer. Read more