Posts

Not Exactly a Role Reversal

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(Time Period: Toward the end of Mom’s first year in memory care.)

What is Happening?

“Now the roles are reversed.” It’s a statement that is often made with regard to caring for elderly parents and there is something to it. We are trying to describe what’s going on, to make sense of the changes that are occurring. Our parents need help taking care of things around the house, managing their finances, or deciphering medical diagnoses and treatments. We declare, “It’s our turn to take care of them.”

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A Baked Potato Conversation

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(Time Period: The first few weeks after Mom moved into memory care.)

Conversation # 1: It Made Sense To Me

Six weeks after my father died, we moved my mother to a smaller assisted living community so that she could receive more personalized care. We were relieved to have found what appeared to be the perfect setting for Mom, yet we were anxious about her transition. Eager to relay everything there was to know about Grace to her caregivers, we typed a brief summary of her background and personality traits, as well as more detailed notes that covered her daily routines and preferences. The bullet points ranged from Mom’s bedtime habits to her favorite TV programs and from her clothes and most comfortable outfits to the big topic: Food. Read more

Grading Visits

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Good or Bad

“She smiled and acknowledged us. It was a good visit.” My friend Ira described a 15-minute interaction with his mother who was confined in a memory care facility during the height of the pandemic. With plexiglass restrictions and no-touch rules, it was especially heartbreaking. That Sunday, receiving a smile from his mother made it a fraction more bearable. Read more

Still Teaching, Even Now

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(Time Period: In the last few months of my mother’s life while she received hospice care.)

The Gentle Reminder

In the final months of my mother’s life, I sat by her bedside while she rested, played soft music and even watched a bit of the Food Network with her when she was up for it. The days ebbed and flowed with the overall direction clear but the exact timing unknown. Overall it was a peaceful phase. Read more

The Joy of Connection (Part 1)

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Strangers Who Understand

(Time Period: Within the last ten months of my mother’s life, under hospice care.)

Dinner was about to be served and it was time to wrap up our visit. As Jess and I were on our way out, we turned to see Gabriel wheeling Mom to the head of the table. Rather than transfer her to the dining room chairs, it was better – safer and less of a fall risk – to have her stay in the wheelchair now. Today Mom was smiling, her appetite was good and she had the energy to hold herself up for a meal with the group. It was more common, however, to find her leaning to one side, no matter how much the caregivers repositioned her or propped her up with pillows. That Mom might slide out of the chair was a constant concern.

Jess unlocked the car door and suggested we head directly to a store to find a makeshift seatbelt. We drove to REI (the outdoor sports equipment store) in search of a solution. It didn’t dawn on us that these wheelchair accessories are readily available online or at medical supply stores. Read more

What Do You Get To Do Today?

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Have To or Get To?

Somewhere between jumping into the shower, grabbing a cup of coffee, and running out the door, it happens. Your mind scans the next 24 hours: What do I have to do today? While it’s perfectly fine to plan the day with this question, I offer you an alternative to use. It’s one I pull out of my pocket whenever I notice I’m starting the day with my feet dragging or spirits lagging. I simply change one word: What do I get to do today? Read more

The Presence of Joy

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Put Your Soul Into It

Earlier this year a new caregiver couple moved into my mother’s group home. Prior to their retiring, the former caregivers tended to my mother for three years with great love and kindness. This changeover could have been a time of apprehension but I was reassured by an interaction that first week. While setting the table and about to serve that evening’s dinner, Delia remarked: “I hope they like it. I put my soul into it.” Read more

All is Well

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Resurfacing

It feels great to be writing again and reconnecting with you after a three-month absence. During this time, other than coaching work with active clients, it became necessary to put all other business activities on hold. Since I’ve never had to skip a single issue in seven years of writing this ezine, I found myself composing articles in my head and wishing I could transmit them to you instantaneously! Thank you to so many of you who reached out to see if everything was all right or to simply say that you missed hearing from me. I am finally digging out of my email pile-up and looking forward to responding to you individually. Read more

A Big Move

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Moving Day

Ginny's parents

My parents about to attend a luncheon for new residents, two days before moving.

After weeks of preparation, furniture shopping, logistics management, and multiple visits to Target and Bed, Bath & Beyond, I’m happy to report that my parents’ move to their new home went very smoothly yesterday. I’m so grateful to have found a beautiful Independent/Assisted Living Community that suits them perfectly. I must give a shout-out to Becky Feola, the referral agent and assisted living counselor who was instrumental in helping us evaluate communities. Thank you, Becky, for sharing your knowledge and perspective in such a caring way. Read more

Striking the Perfect Balance

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An Elusive Impossibility?

Most people say they’d like to live a balanced life, yet the idea becomes misconstrued when balance appears as an elusive, utopian state to be realized. Toward the end of the movie Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert (played by Julia Roberts) becomes distressed when she fears that falling in love again will unravel the hard-won peace she had finally achieved. Her medicine-man teacher and friend dispense one more lesson when he says: To lose balance sometimes for love is necessary to live a balanced life. The drop-everything mode of making room to incorporate a new person into your life is at once unnerving and exciting. Read more