Posts

Invisible Connection

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(Time Period: Throughout Mom’s time in the care home.)

A Lesson in Mindfulness

When it is no longer possible to communicate with our loved ones the way we used to, how does connection occur? It was natural to wonder about Mom’s ability to connect with us. Was she understanding what we were saying? Was she feeling comforted by our presence? The answers to these questions were not always apparent. This led me to realize there was something else to explore: my own ability to connect with her. Read more

Shoes Tell a Story (Part 2)

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In Shoes Tell a Story (Part 1), the theme was Connection. This next installment has to do with Identity.

(Time Period: About two months before my mother died)

Planning Ahead

Years before she had Alzheimer’s and while going through clothes in her closet one day, with a quick mention and point of her finger, Mom indicated the outfit that she wanted for her burial. It was the pink silk, two-piece dress that she had worn to my wedding. The day we shopped for it at Lord & Taylor, we both knew immediately it was the perfect choice and she had looked beautiful in it. Read more

Each Name

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(Time Period: Shortly after moving Mom into the care home.)

At any one time in my mother’s group home, there were ten elderly residents. During certain periods, a man or two would be part of the mix, but more often the residents were women. Some lived there for several years and others just a few months. Most had a degree of dementia. All were limited physically.

I remember each of their names: Colleen, Edith, Pearl, Gail, Sue, Ann, Trudy, Marge, Maxine, Joanna, Bill, Irv, Janice, and others. Read more

What Do They Remember?

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(Time Period: About two years after Mom moved into memory care.)

Avoiding the Word

When Mom first showed signs of a failing memory, I found myself using a certain word and asking the same thing repeatedly. That single-worded question was this: “Remember?”

That’s your niece, Gloria, your sister Rose’s daughter. Remember?

That’s when you and Dad took a trip to Hawaii. Remember? Read more

A Little Defiance Is Good

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(Time Period: About a year after Mom moved into the smaller assisted living home with memory care.)

“These Are Strange”

“I ordered Grace the Alzheimer’s pajamas.”

“Okay,” I responded, “What are Alzheimer’s pajamas?” Read more

Does She Know You?

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The Question Everyone Asked

“Does she know you?” That’s the question everyone asked and I understand why. There is much anguish in anticipating that someone you love deeply and know intimately might not respond with that familiar smile. Read more

Grading Visits

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Good or Bad

“She smiled and acknowledged us. It was a good visit.” My friend Ira described a 15-minute interaction with his mother who was confined in a memory care facility during the height of the pandemic. With plexiglass restrictions and no-touch rules, it was especially heartbreaking. That Sunday, receiving a smile from his mother made it a fraction more bearable. Read more

Still Teaching, Even Now

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(Time Period: In the last few months of my mother’s life while she received hospice care.)

The Gentle Reminder

In the final months of my mother’s life, I sat by her bedside while she rested, played soft music and even watched a bit of the Food Network with her when she was up for it. The days ebbed and flowed with the overall direction clear but the exact timing unknown. Overall it was a peaceful phase. Read more

How Are We Going To Do This?

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(Time Period: Two days after moving my parents to Arizona, in a relative early phase of Mom’s progression with Alzheimer’s.)

Bedtime

It was 10:00 p.m. Dad was downstairs watching TV and Jess and I had just gotten into bed. Light from the guest bathroom down the hall was streaming through the small window above our bedroom door. Mom was getting ready for bed but it had been a while and Jess suggested that I check on her. Read more

The Joy of Connection (Part 1)

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Strangers Who Understand

(Time Period: Within the last ten months of my mother’s life, under hospice care.)

Dinner was about to be served and it was time to wrap up our visit. As Jess and I were on our way out, we turned to see Gabriel wheeling Mom to the head of the table. Rather than transfer her to the dining room chairs, it was better – safer and less of a fall risk – to have her stay in the wheelchair now. Today Mom was smiling, her appetite was good and she had the energy to hold herself up for a meal with the group. It was more common, however, to find her leaning to one side, no matter how much the caregivers repositioned her or propped her up with pillows. That Mom might slide out of the chair was a constant concern.

Jess unlocked the car door and suggested we head directly to a store to find a makeshift seatbelt. We drove to REI (the outdoor sports equipment store) in search of a solution. It didn’t dawn on us that these wheelchair accessories are readily available online or at medical supply stores. Read more